Divorce the Dirty Little Word?

I know what you're thinking a blog called stories from the otherside sure does involve only stories about me and well ya know sue me, I'll get to other peoples stories eventually, I mean c'mon I'm three entries in already this is more of coup then you know! So eventually I'll get to other people once I get to that point. Also if you've come here to read some dirty expose or get some dirt well you're likely be disappointed but let's face it, if you're reading my blog, for that fact any of my blogs you're very well accustomed to disappointment so this will just feel like an old friend. Also you may be saying to yourself gosh I've read a paragraph so far of nothing but at this point you should also be use to that.

A year coming up. In a matter of a few days really. Feb. 9th was the day I moved out. Culminating in what was such weighted decisions from well the previous year and much further back. I knew at some point in January of last year I had to make a decisive action, or I would be forever lost in the continuing loop that had been going on. Words or promises we're not enough. Be it to myself or from others. I had to pull the metaphorical trigger. In a matter of minutes I pulled out my laptop found the nearest apartment to my store with the soonest move in date and paid my deposit. I was jumping out of the plane and I knew the parachute was only useful if you pull the handle. I knew at that moment the quickest way to self-confidence was to do what I was afraid to do. But that moment was 99 out of 100 decisions that had been made from results that took months to get to.

No one goes into any marriage and says I'm going to get divorced. I for one was not even accustomed to it. My folks stayed together, my extended family was all together, I had no on hand knowledge to draw from and that lack of real world experience likely persuaded me in many ways.  Maybe it led me to focus on the fonder moments, understand the silver lining, maybe just having the resolve to not give up.  All those things/notions ideas may be great in many instances yet is in the same light unfair. Unfair to the moments. Those nasty bad moments that should have resonated louder but we're squelched underneath too many layers or disbelief.  I think being jaded on either side of the spectrum of confidence be it over or lack there of is a path to parts unknown. And I was slowly sulking my way there.

I may be slightly shaded to the point of positivity.  Focusing on peoples ability to change. Their ability to see the good and want to lead that direction. Reality is not everyone does that. Not everyone shares the same perception shaped over years and years from childhood on up molding them into the likeness they are. People don't change though. A better word is adapt. We adapt to overcome. Adapt to compensate. Adapt to survive. Adapting is not a permanent process. It's just a unique part of our survival instinct.  (I don't give up on the notion of change too, I think that can happen, but is largely spurred on by some grandiose moment, death of a loved one, life altering news, maybe sometimes a good diagnose and better medication too ;0 )

As for me I had been told for years that my inevitability was coming. Outsiders looking in have a much different perspective. Ask any war veteran to tell a story than ask a historian and well enough you'll see the difference.  I wasn't necessarily ready to just give in. And I wasn't ready to just give up on myself either.  I wasn't done forgiving either.  Through any faults or bad decisions they may have made, you have to hold yourself accountable to what you can do better. And I wasn't ready to just give up on the things I could adapt for myself. I look at my health, exercising, focusing on family, Yes I put the effort in all of these things. I took the time and effort in the beginning to make someone else happier, whose to say how a good thing got started doesn't get to take the wind out of the sails of the effort put in.

At some point in time, sometimes just sometimes it's not enough. The effort put in isn't getting put out. Delaying the inevitable, how can I blame someone's bad decisions. I don't have to live with those but I can also help to make her be able to live with herself. I applaud my ability to compartmentalize my life, it helped me to not hold onto hate. or blame.  My ability to hold myself accountable for my life is what will lead me down the path to happiness. It gets too easy to sacrifice future grief to hold onto the fleeting minutes of happiness. The present is in itself its own name. A present. As a child it's so easy to get excited about a thousand little toys, as you get older you know what its like to get something you really want. I was trading the big picture happiness for little smiles. A few smiles don't equal a single tear. That old biblical saying of I put away childish things, goes forth with childish notions too.

So that's a lot of words for something that I probably barely touched on. My divorce. There really isn't any words to talk about. I can't antiquate emotions I had over the past few years.  I can enunciate the sleepless nights. The fear of becoming that dreaded "Weekend Dad".  For as many thing I could place blame on her for and many of which might be rightfully so, I just can't do it.  For much of our time we were like Triple A batteries in a double A toy. We may have functioned. Even had fun. Many memorable moments. Times we may have sputtered and sparked almost not working but still running. In the end you need the right batteries for the real potential to happen.  I don't think Divorce is some dirty word that should be shunned. And I get it, I thought that for a long time even after my own divorce. It may even be hard to get beyond.

But we all know Practicality and Reality are two very different things. And everyone deserves happiness in their reality. In closing don't sacrifice today for tomorrow. One day there won't be a tomorrow.  Everyone deserves happiness for the rest of the tomorrows they have.




ps I know I know, that wasn't comical, probably non sensical. And frankly if you read this far major kudos to you, kudos. I just felt like self recollecting on my own decisions is a good thing. I challenge everyone to do the same. Also I know most of what I wrote was just dribble drabble thoughts tricking out of my head to fingers. But much like a fart, better out than in!!


Also if you read this far, feel free to e-mail to get the real dirt about what happened. LOL