Valentines blegh

I miss having someone. Even on the worst of days when you're mad at each other at least you're looking forward to seeing that other person (even if its only to yell at them).  There's comfort in being able to eat a meal and look into someone's eyes.  On the quietest of nights, there was still energy to be read across the table. I miss having a favorite song, our pizza place, nights filled with reruns. How even after a thousand kisses the heart still beats a tick quicker with anticipation. I'm not talking about my most current relationship but the sum whole of 20 years living for someone else. The amassed amount of real and figurative loves, no matter if they flamed out or never had a chance. I miss living for those moments, life just seems to get in the way.

Now I leave work and there may not be a vocal word leaving my mouth for up to 15 hours. I miss falling asleep feeding off that heated energy cooking mere inches from me.  There is so many small moments in a relationship that add up beyond any real recognition.  Being single is like having a cold, you never realize how great it is to breath out of your nose until its full of congestion. Being single is walking pneumonia, woefully unaware of how bad you're feeling until the symptoms knock you on your ass.  I'm also not confusing this feeling with regret or pity, only acknowledgment that it's fine to miss having someone to love.  If you don't have a healthy appreciation for how great love is I'm afraid you'll be stuck in a spiraling descent of solitary affinity. Where that feeling of being alone is not just intangible when single but very tangible even with someone.  I recognize how great love is, and not just  I'll jump in front of bullet love but even a great first date, or waiting on that text reply.  All those levels of relationships, have so much power in them no matter how brief or sustained the relationship is.  

There's just something about all that, the power enhances the nerves in your hands, triggering lightning between intertwined fingers of two hands. Hairs stand in salute to the greatness. Everyone should be missing those moments on the daily, it's just heightened when the time between the lighting to the thunder is marked in years and not hours.  So here I am on year 2 with no valentine but I think back to years past and I can reminisce about all those silver linings that have not quite greyed away yet, being a kid waiting to get a class full of smarties, the nervous awkward high school dates not knowing when to make a move (though I haven't quite shaken that off), to thinking I'll have lifetime full of valentines with someone only to be replaced with having 2 permanent forever valentines I only care about. 

So no real pity or some call for help, only apropos for a day that is meant to celebrate love and not so much about the love for only one. To stop for a moment and reflect about why it is we choose to love. And how important it is that we do get to love. Doing so can only stoke the fire that may feel to have diminishing embers. It's not the flames that burn the hand its the heat from the coals, so in moments when the flames are replaced with smoke, one has to reach hands in with blind hope to feel the warmth, so on this day I'll close my eyes and fondly remember how great love is, bask in the warmth until the next log gets thrown in with shooting flames.

p.s. I know this isn't a story, obviously not someone else's story, but I do think it is a relatable storyline, and also it's my blog not yours so don't judge me LOL, also it seems like people really like the specific story aspect or atleast me talking about my divorce hah, sooo next week back to story mode I promise.

p.s.s. I mean I couldn't pass up valentines day to not give some insane schpill about "singles awareness day"



also why does Valentines make me jam out to Motown