Post Divorce Dating is basically picking the nicest shirt out of the dirty hamper
And who knows what type of garment I would be in that scenario; fingers crossed for something better then smelly socks! I've been out of pocket for a minute and I don't have any real stories to go on for now but I did mention I'd write about Divorced dad life at some time. For all you fellas looking to live vicariously through me in my life of sex drugs and rock 'n roll putting notches on my bed post, I think you'll be surely saddened, or maybe disappointed. Disappointed is a good word that will lure me into a rabbit hole in a bit.
For starters, I'm not good at dating, period. It requires a level careless that I lack. Maybe careless isn't the right word but rather Careful. I'm not careful, my life long decisions would map that out quite well, I rely on fate to right wrongs and I keep a solid sleeve of heart at all times. I can't help but get invested, regardless of how much is has been reinvested in me. Every shirt I grab out of the hamper is the right one til I take it off and think to myself I must of made this shirt worse smelling today. My marriage was very much that process every few months. Continually finding ways to make a certain someone's life better at any expense. I have a deep heart and my mind can't help but wander, while that may make me a "good person" (not a humble brag I promise) it also makes me susceptible to a degree of wanderlust of emotion. So to be careful while I'm so called "Dating" is hard. So for the first year of post married life, I just actively avoided the activity. Other then a few half hearted dates I've barely scratched the surface. I spent so many years trying to make something work that initially it may have pushed me away from putting in the work. So that lavish lifestyle I imagined, of being some nerdy Casanova has not played to fruition. The girl's that pull me out of the Dating Hamper (by the way I'm coining that for the next Dating App) I generally immediately develop pre conceived emotions for, followed by post conceived emotions, whereas I immediately run back to my routine I've dutifully created over the past year or so.
Dating generally hits me when I feel alone, followed immediately by miles and miles of swipes. Quite literally pulling and smelling every dirty sock out of the pile on the floor. We all have miles on our dash, mistakes layered on our face and soul. Lives full of relationship PTSD, waiting for that next shoe to drop. Why would I want to date someone to be in the same position again when I'm 40. Now don't get me wrong I'm not blind to the fact that love is out there, for every Sid and Nancy there's Chip and Joana, by no means am I saying that I won't ever get to see that, surely I will. But just like before every flight and after every Chipotle, I pray. Past experiences, learned behaviors have taught me those 2 things can potentially have bad implications for my life. As goes with every future girl who gives me any attention in my direction. I'm also a sucker for hopeful romanticism, black and white 1940s photograph of a man and woman at a diner counter sharing a shake frozen by stolen glances at one another. I eat that up, which is a lot of calories on my mental state, so with dating a I tread lightly. I develop irrational stories about how invisible women whom I've never actually met can derail my life with some minute trait I don't like, it's a fail safe I've created since post divorce. I can't fully commit if I think an asteroid of hysteria is careening towards my work, gym and kids life.
And there goes the final thought, Disappointed. I would argue that most Dad's who are divorced feel more or less disappointed. In themselves, in others, the situation whatever it is unique to each situation. Most of us are relegated from being a full time parent to a sideline reporter. Derailed to some homogenized version of the weekend dad. I know I feared that for years and definitely kept me from prolonging the inevitable. I invest so much in people that I meet, work with, friends but I invest everything into those kids. Sacrificing much like my Dad, other Dads, most fathers I've met in my life, not with standing there are absolutely some dead beat dads who are not part of this fatherly club I refer to. The notion of not being there every night has morphed my expectations on time and time spent. And I think for many Divorced Dads those dating decisions get fed through the kid filter, at the very minimal it does for me. Free time to me now is more to improve my life and every other time is dedicated to them. I'm also aware that much like the Pristine Statues of Rome that over time they decay, discolor into some future version sitting in some museum that my time and the value I put into dating will change, and that's ok.
So as to Dating in my mid 30's divorced dad of 2, I would say I'm wiser to life's choices. In my younger days everything was looking up, everyone's just starting to mature, everyone's more likely to be cavalier with decisions. Now it's all calculated risks. Dating in my age is no different then if I was starting a new career, buying a house, it all requires a leap of faith. In my 20s I would run off the cliff assuming the net below would catch me, now I still have to jump but how fast do I want to get to it. Fast or Slow, net or not, I just think to myself fate will happen regardless of speed what's meant to be...will.
So as I rummage through bargain bin, rummage sale, dirty hamper, sushi's at the gas station, we're all half eaten candy bars at my age I'll hope that I'm more of a snickers than mounds. (always end with a self deprecating fat joke!)
Also this is not some desperate lurch for "you'll find someone someday" or "anyone would be lucky to have you" thoughts because of course those are true and yet I'm still very content with my life as is right now. I believe in many things said and unsaid but I definitely believe in the cyclical nature of life every mountains has a bottom and every canyon has a peak just keep walking enough and you'll be where you want to be.
also here's a dad joke;
For starters, I'm not good at dating, period. It requires a level careless that I lack. Maybe careless isn't the right word but rather Careful. I'm not careful, my life long decisions would map that out quite well, I rely on fate to right wrongs and I keep a solid sleeve of heart at all times. I can't help but get invested, regardless of how much is has been reinvested in me. Every shirt I grab out of the hamper is the right one til I take it off and think to myself I must of made this shirt worse smelling today. My marriage was very much that process every few months. Continually finding ways to make a certain someone's life better at any expense. I have a deep heart and my mind can't help but wander, while that may make me a "good person" (not a humble brag I promise) it also makes me susceptible to a degree of wanderlust of emotion. So to be careful while I'm so called "Dating" is hard. So for the first year of post married life, I just actively avoided the activity. Other then a few half hearted dates I've barely scratched the surface. I spent so many years trying to make something work that initially it may have pushed me away from putting in the work. So that lavish lifestyle I imagined, of being some nerdy Casanova has not played to fruition. The girl's that pull me out of the Dating Hamper (by the way I'm coining that for the next Dating App) I generally immediately develop pre conceived emotions for, followed by post conceived emotions, whereas I immediately run back to my routine I've dutifully created over the past year or so.
Dating generally hits me when I feel alone, followed immediately by miles and miles of swipes. Quite literally pulling and smelling every dirty sock out of the pile on the floor. We all have miles on our dash, mistakes layered on our face and soul. Lives full of relationship PTSD, waiting for that next shoe to drop. Why would I want to date someone to be in the same position again when I'm 40. Now don't get me wrong I'm not blind to the fact that love is out there, for every Sid and Nancy there's Chip and Joana, by no means am I saying that I won't ever get to see that, surely I will. But just like before every flight and after every Chipotle, I pray. Past experiences, learned behaviors have taught me those 2 things can potentially have bad implications for my life. As goes with every future girl who gives me any attention in my direction. I'm also a sucker for hopeful romanticism, black and white 1940s photograph of a man and woman at a diner counter sharing a shake frozen by stolen glances at one another. I eat that up, which is a lot of calories on my mental state, so with dating a I tread lightly. I develop irrational stories about how invisible women whom I've never actually met can derail my life with some minute trait I don't like, it's a fail safe I've created since post divorce. I can't fully commit if I think an asteroid of hysteria is careening towards my work, gym and kids life.
And there goes the final thought, Disappointed. I would argue that most Dad's who are divorced feel more or less disappointed. In themselves, in others, the situation whatever it is unique to each situation. Most of us are relegated from being a full time parent to a sideline reporter. Derailed to some homogenized version of the weekend dad. I know I feared that for years and definitely kept me from prolonging the inevitable. I invest so much in people that I meet, work with, friends but I invest everything into those kids. Sacrificing much like my Dad, other Dads, most fathers I've met in my life, not with standing there are absolutely some dead beat dads who are not part of this fatherly club I refer to. The notion of not being there every night has morphed my expectations on time and time spent. And I think for many Divorced Dads those dating decisions get fed through the kid filter, at the very minimal it does for me. Free time to me now is more to improve my life and every other time is dedicated to them. I'm also aware that much like the Pristine Statues of Rome that over time they decay, discolor into some future version sitting in some museum that my time and the value I put into dating will change, and that's ok.
So as to Dating in my mid 30's divorced dad of 2, I would say I'm wiser to life's choices. In my younger days everything was looking up, everyone's just starting to mature, everyone's more likely to be cavalier with decisions. Now it's all calculated risks. Dating in my age is no different then if I was starting a new career, buying a house, it all requires a leap of faith. In my 20s I would run off the cliff assuming the net below would catch me, now I still have to jump but how fast do I want to get to it. Fast or Slow, net or not, I just think to myself fate will happen regardless of speed what's meant to be...will.
So as I rummage through bargain bin, rummage sale, dirty hamper, sushi's at the gas station, we're all half eaten candy bars at my age I'll hope that I'm more of a snickers than mounds. (always end with a self deprecating fat joke!)
Also this is not some desperate lurch for "you'll find someone someday" or "anyone would be lucky to have you" thoughts because of course those are true and yet I'm still very content with my life as is right now. I believe in many things said and unsaid but I definitely believe in the cyclical nature of life every mountains has a bottom and every canyon has a peak just keep walking enough and you'll be where you want to be.
also here's a dad joke;
Comments
Post a Comment