Relationship Status

To say that dating in my 30s has been interesting would be barely scratching the surface. Swipe this, post that, drinks here, judgements there. It's all been one giant conglomeration of tired eyes and woeful thoughts. Most of my dating career has been long drawn out endeavors even before the "marriage" and now post Adriane my outlook has morphed even stronger. From the jump I never really wanted to get married, I had my own design on what marriage truly is and as much as I'd like to think it was me foreshadowing the inevitable divorce I wasn't jumping head first into it.  Now almost 35 I'm not quite to Alabama governor signing away relationship rights but edging myself closer and closer.  I've spent the bulk of my life pining for or pushing the needs of others in front of my very own and playing myself the martyr. But in reality it was just my own inability to make decisions, or be truly fortitude in my beliefs. So now I stand single, I've taken more stock into my own life than ever before. For years I made excuses for inexcusable behavior, instead of driving the stake even deeper into who I want to be.  I've taken little over year to myself, to mold what it is I'd like to be and not rely on someone else to force feed me the answers. I've put myself through the rigors of lonely nights because it's so easy to run and find a welcoming arm, only to get snagged in the same trap.  I've taken a year to decide what is right for me, where I draw my lines and what value I see in certain people.  I've taken a year to build this person I am now so that he may stand for another 35 years.  I'll be the first one to admit that it has been hard and to say that I don't miss the creature comforts of having someone would be an incredulous lie.  It is nice to have someone and most of us will put up with way too much or allow people to treat us from trash to eventually indifference just to maintain that lifestyle.  No different than going bankrupt and filling up credit cards to no end, all that leads is down a much longer path to the same end.  I did that myself for years stacking up my own emotional credit til even they got maxed out.  Living on borrowed money and borrowed time.  Never taking into account my own self worth, because at those times I felt worthless. Now as the days to turn months and those months stack to years I can't help to look path onto the path that got me here.  Jumping from date to date or App to App, from dinner to tinder, it's all disposable.  As I explore this new life, I find it hard to keep focus on any one path so I move on from a date fairly quick, also it doesn't help if they've got a whole gamut of issues that somehow always manifests themselves on the date, I blame that on myself and my gift for gab.

All this is not to say that I'm solely anti-relationship, by no means. I've not given up on any idea of love be it at first sight or lost than never at all, they all have value for me. I'm just haven't seen it yet, better yet I haven't felt it. I spent so many years from jump with my marriage seemingly arguing the case for it that maybe I'm just a tired defense attorney.  Or as much as I may pump myself up with ego and design I still fight the feeling of not being worth fighting for, and easily moved on from, I mean even pizza is good the next morning and somehow my divorce turned me into yogurt barely edible sludge only bought because at least its good for ya.  An internal struggle of mirror self is nothing new or unique but does dampen the whole dating arena for myself. From reformed druggies to denied advances or more ghosts than any Amityville horror dating is hard at this age, lord knows what a real life functioning relationship looks like. I continue to try and keep "shooting my shot" knowing full well it aint making it in, and if it happens I'll be happy but until that moment I'm quite content.

The real person I've been dating this past year has been  me. And I couldn't be happier with that relationship. I've developed deeper bonds with friends, strengthened relationships with my demons, and finding time to see what I truly am.  I've taken this year to go out with the new me and like any relationship it has had its up and downs and is forever evolving.  I can't find happiness with someone until I know what kind of happiness I want. And during this time I've realized what those things are and what is important to my life. Be it moments with my kids or forcing myself to the gym, run in the sun or a good book and coffee.  As I continue forward I'll never stop looking for that next relationship. If I learned one thing from my last "relationship" I wont give up the me for anything less than a girl who sees how valuable I am. I'm not breaking up with me for you unless it's turning into us.