Divorce 1 Year later...
I've been attempting to write this for the better part of a month so forgive me at this point it's now 1 year and 3 weeks, insert shrug emoji!
A year ago doesn't really do it justice, because the life I have been living started before the papers were signed, before my lease was agreed before silent days and angry nights. I knew at some point that self reflection and self awareness is only mindless thoughts unless actions are tied to it. And yet here I am a year and some change removed from looking at white picket fence houses in Saginaw to slummin it up in a 1 bedroom apartment on the west side of fort worth LOL. I need George Jefferson to help me move up to the East Side to that Deluxe Apartment.
A year later now I can take a moment to look back and see my growth, appreciate my struggles and triumph my successes. To me a level of self awareness becomes the greatest key to growth. I remember when I moved out I was sleeping on my sons mini mattress on the floor feeling a bit abandoned, scared to pursue a life beyond what my norm was for the previous decade. I had spent so many years fixing "other" people's problems that I began to resent the fact I had to spend time worrying about things that were beyond my control.
Fast forward to now and my biggest goal was to spend time to figure out myself, push myself beyond my own comfort zone. When I moved out my first thought went to, 'Oh my bachelor life time, let's hit those bars, see those stars, collect them bras. Needless to say the only bras I see are on racks at stores not whores. The Tim back then that even attempted dating wasn't ready, he was still licking his wounds and dealing with his own mind potholes that had developed over the years. Instead I realized for the better part of my life I have been sharing my time with someone. Growing up I shared a room with a brother who was only a year older than me, followed by an apartment that i shared with my ex. 32 years of sleeping next to someone a few feet from myself becomes a bit daunting to overcome.
I needed time to develop the real "Me", and knowing all to easy how one can seemingly fall in the traps of comfort with relationships, seemingly developing feelings likely manufactured by loneliness versus the heart and soul. Fast forward to Today, or rather a few weeks ago when it really was 1 year later I can surely appreciate the rawness I may have felt over that time. Yet I'm proud of the work I have accomplished over the course of time jumping over relentless hurdles that approached.
One year later I can look in the mirror and I feel that this has become the best version of myself, both physically and mentally. In spirit and soul. I have owned my ability to say "no", the hardest yet most rewarding of work usually comes about by passing up the quick emotional high to create the sustainable state. I find happiness a volatile and fleeting emotion, it zaps like lightning moving just as quick. Emotions like Pride, Joy, Satisfied, and Excitement they stick longer more emotional states than feelings thus requiring more work to reach.
I remember a long long time ago my mom told me when we die we turn into the the 35 version of ourselves (not entirely sure that's true but who can dispute any of that) and in a few months when I do turn 35, I can quite honestly say I am in the best shape of my life. A year of gym, relatively good meal prepping, studious journal writing (granted i haven't touched this blog in mooooonths) and just focusing on what is truly important to me in my life.
My kids. My health. I have spent the past year doing two things: what makes me a better person and after that what makes me a better dad. All those paragraphs I've typed really all comes down to wanting my kids to be the best versions of themselves. That requires time and energy and this past year I was purposeful to not spend extra energy running around chasing "girls" and instead creating memories with them, growing them as individuals, helping them overcome their own obstacles. I have spent nearly every weekend multiple vacations planning adventures, lesson plans, open "talks" and spiritual time so that maybe just maybe I can bask in those emotions that hold up better than the others, Pride, Joy, Excitement and Satisfaction. And this year I couldn't waste a quick happy to sacrifice the Pride and excitement I've received from them.
If there's one shining theme I have connected to my divorce and this past year, it's in the notion of Time. and Granted. Grant the gift of time before you take time for granted.
I seriously hope no one read that giant jumble of mental gibberish, if you did here's a cookie (:) enjoy
A year ago doesn't really do it justice, because the life I have been living started before the papers were signed, before my lease was agreed before silent days and angry nights. I knew at some point that self reflection and self awareness is only mindless thoughts unless actions are tied to it. And yet here I am a year and some change removed from looking at white picket fence houses in Saginaw to slummin it up in a 1 bedroom apartment on the west side of fort worth LOL. I need George Jefferson to help me move up to the East Side to that Deluxe Apartment.
A year later now I can take a moment to look back and see my growth, appreciate my struggles and triumph my successes. To me a level of self awareness becomes the greatest key to growth. I remember when I moved out I was sleeping on my sons mini mattress on the floor feeling a bit abandoned, scared to pursue a life beyond what my norm was for the previous decade. I had spent so many years fixing "other" people's problems that I began to resent the fact I had to spend time worrying about things that were beyond my control.
Fast forward to now and my biggest goal was to spend time to figure out myself, push myself beyond my own comfort zone. When I moved out my first thought went to, 'Oh my bachelor life time, let's hit those bars, see those stars, collect them bras. Needless to say the only bras I see are on racks at stores not whores. The Tim back then that even attempted dating wasn't ready, he was still licking his wounds and dealing with his own mind potholes that had developed over the years. Instead I realized for the better part of my life I have been sharing my time with someone. Growing up I shared a room with a brother who was only a year older than me, followed by an apartment that i shared with my ex. 32 years of sleeping next to someone a few feet from myself becomes a bit daunting to overcome.
I needed time to develop the real "Me", and knowing all to easy how one can seemingly fall in the traps of comfort with relationships, seemingly developing feelings likely manufactured by loneliness versus the heart and soul. Fast forward to Today, or rather a few weeks ago when it really was 1 year later I can surely appreciate the rawness I may have felt over that time. Yet I'm proud of the work I have accomplished over the course of time jumping over relentless hurdles that approached.
One year later I can look in the mirror and I feel that this has become the best version of myself, both physically and mentally. In spirit and soul. I have owned my ability to say "no", the hardest yet most rewarding of work usually comes about by passing up the quick emotional high to create the sustainable state. I find happiness a volatile and fleeting emotion, it zaps like lightning moving just as quick. Emotions like Pride, Joy, Satisfied, and Excitement they stick longer more emotional states than feelings thus requiring more work to reach.
I remember a long long time ago my mom told me when we die we turn into the the 35 version of ourselves (not entirely sure that's true but who can dispute any of that) and in a few months when I do turn 35, I can quite honestly say I am in the best shape of my life. A year of gym, relatively good meal prepping, studious journal writing (granted i haven't touched this blog in mooooonths) and just focusing on what is truly important to me in my life.
My kids. My health. I have spent the past year doing two things: what makes me a better person and after that what makes me a better dad. All those paragraphs I've typed really all comes down to wanting my kids to be the best versions of themselves. That requires time and energy and this past year I was purposeful to not spend extra energy running around chasing "girls" and instead creating memories with them, growing them as individuals, helping them overcome their own obstacles. I have spent nearly every weekend multiple vacations planning adventures, lesson plans, open "talks" and spiritual time so that maybe just maybe I can bask in those emotions that hold up better than the others, Pride, Joy, Excitement and Satisfaction. And this year I couldn't waste a quick happy to sacrifice the Pride and excitement I've received from them.
If there's one shining theme I have connected to my divorce and this past year, it's in the notion of Time. and Granted. Grant the gift of time before you take time for granted.
I seriously hope no one read that giant jumble of mental gibberish, if you did here's a cookie (:) enjoy
I love everything about this. Also, I'll trade the pookie for an ice cream sundae, please and thank you.
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